Essays in Love

I wish you well

None of my friends understand why I don’t hate my ex-boyfriend, and I ended up getting comments like I am such a kind-hearted person, you are a good christian etc etc. 

I appreciate these comments and I do think I have a good heart. However, I don’t think it is about that. 

I might not be able to befriend with him, consider we used to be too intimate. I might not even want to keep in touch with him or even have a friendly hug at all, but I don’t see the point of hating a person. 

Sometimes when you know someone hates you, your instant reaction would usually be bemused, and then it is likely that you hate that person back. 
It is never explicitly communicated though, I mean, whether that person actually hates you in the first place. 

There is a reason for everything and if you hate someone there ought to be a reason. Regardless of whether it is the way they walk, they speak, or if there is actually a particular thing they have done to piss you off. However, this is not normally communicated honestly. You would never go to person you are not happy with, and say, man, I really hate the way you laugh, it disgusts me. 

It is usually the sense of anger or bemused, annoyed or confused, that builds up the actual hatred. 

It is the same as breaking up. There are plenty of reasons to hate him, equally there are plenty of reasons he could hate me. At the very beginning of our break up, I used to calculate, who has hurt the other more. If you actually calculate that, you will start to believe you hate him, or that you are so guilty that the other person has every right to hate you.

In fact they are all imaginations that all run around wild in your head. 

 

Summer has finally arrived and it is really close to the time when we first met two years ago. I remember all the details about that summer, walking around London, having dinner in various restaurants, long chats in the library….These memories won’t go, and they will never vanish. When I see the beauty of English summer, when I see a man with a Carhartt belt and Elmo print tee, or even the fact that I am in this city right now, I am bound to be reminded of you. 

As I am bound to be reminded of you when I live and walk around the city, I do not want this memory to ruin the rest of my day. I want to cherish it, there are always good and bad times within a relationship. It might be a shame that we did not get through the bad times, but it does not offset the good times. 

When I walk on the Waterloo Bridge, or whatever that bridge is actually called, I would remember that day when we met for lunch and you were in your suit; as well as the day when we broke up in that coffee shop. 

I don’t love you, miss you or hate you. But my life has changed ever since, and I am happy to accept that you were in it. 

I hope I am not too naive, or, kind hearted. duh. 

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