Essays in Love · We Live Now

The Journey of letting go

The past 260 days have been a bit of a hell for me, and I think it is because I have  everything I ever wanted.

When I was 21 years old, I graduated from a very good university and at that time I wanted a job that allowed me to stay in London. I got a pretty decent job in the City then the next step was to get chartered, got that within 3 years. Then naturally I wanted to get promoted and buy a flat, and boom, I have achieved all of these within 5 years.

Suddenly I was so bored, and I lost my motivation.

I wish I could be purely greedy. There are people who got a house and want a bigger house; or got a car but always want a more expensive car, or just more cars.

It is such a first world problem, boredom, but it is a real problem.

Then everyone around me told me that maybe I need a boyfriend, a marriage, or even a family! True, my friends are getting married, some are having babies, even myself, is expecting a godchild soon.

For my whole life, I treat romance as something more romantic than an achievement, nor a natural progression of a person’s development. I don’t think about relationship as a goal, I don’t bother with getting married by 30, and having kids by 35.

In fact relationship for me is all about finding the soul mate. We will read peacefully in bed together; we will look into each other’s eyes and find calm and peace; we will share endless conversations and laughter over the dinner table, and of course, we will have a great sex life.

260 days ago I found someone which I could call a soul mate, but very soon after I lost him. The reason we can’t be together is not of concern here, but the fact that I can’t get over him is.

I was bored, and now I am bored and sad.

I tried to do something about the failed relationship and my foul mood. I tried to exert control over the situation but I realised that the more I tried to do something about it, the worse my emotions got affected.

The truth in all struggles in life, most likely because one can’t let go. I was obsessed with why this was not working, and I couldn’t accept that’s just the way it is.

Being a high achiever, I am very used to being able to control things. I usually get what I want, and if I don’t get it, I will persist until it happens to the way I want it to be.

But relationship does not work like that. I have seen it in my parents. My mum wants my dad to behave in a certain way, and my dad never gives in, and then arguments and disappointments mounted. No one’s happy.

It was when I am facing the gigantic waterfall in Lake Bled, Slovenia, was I able to humble myself and accept the fact that there are more things I can’t control than I can. The false belief that I can one-handedly manipulate everything, does not make sense from the outset.

This is a journal series about me letting go and getting better. I am writing at day 10. I started a Christian-based mindfulness healing process 10 days ago, and I want to document it, and tell you all about it.

Let’s get better in our minds together.

Midori x

對「The Journey of letting go」的一則回應

  1. Did you really need a boyfriend after having got everything you set out to do in just 5 years? Or you just thought it might be the logical next step? Or did you actively avoid romance while you were working towards your goals?

    1. You were actually quite greedy

      In fact relationship for me is all about finding the soul mate. We will read peacefully in bed together; we will look into each other’s eyes and find calm and peace; we will share endless conversations and laughter over the dinner table, and of course, we will have a great sex life.

  2. You are actually quite greedy!

    “In fact relationship for me is all about finding the soul mate. We will read peacefully in bed together; we will look into each other’s eyes and find calm and peace; we will share endless conversations and laughter over the dinner table, and of course, we will have a great sex life."

  3. Letting go is never easy, especially is something/someone that you have no control over. The only thing you can control is to do the best you can and then wait. If the results are not what you desired, let it go and move on. Once it took me years to not being to get over that particular one and thought I never would. Until I finally did and then I met my current SO. You never know where life will lead you. Anyhow, I like reading your stuff and add oil!

      1. no need to ‘force’ it. if your mind does think about it, let it do it for a short time (maybe 5 mins?) just don’t ‘indulge’ it. It is okay to think about it, part of the process. When time goes by, you will realize that you don’t have to ‘force’ yourself not to think it anymore. Add oil!

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