The Journey of letting go

The past 260 days have been a bit of a hell for me, and I think it is because I have  everything I ever wanted.

When I was 21 years old, I graduated from a very good university and at that time I wanted a job that allowed me to stay in London. I got a pretty decent job in the City then the next step was to get chartered, got that within 3 years. Then naturally I wanted to get promoted and buy a flat, and boom, I have achieved all of these within 5 years.

Suddenly I was so bored, and I lost my motivation.

I wish I could be purely greedy. There are people who got a house and want a bigger house; or got a car but always want a more expensive car, or just more cars.

It is such a first world problem, boredom, but it is a real problem.

Then everyone around me told me that maybe I need a boyfriend, a marriage, or even a family! True, my friends are getting married, some are having babies, even myself, is expecting a godchild soon.

For my whole life, I treat romance as something more romantic than an achievement, nor a natural progression of a person’s development. I don’t think about relationship as a goal, I don’t bother with getting married by 30, and having kids by 35.

In fact relationship for me is all about finding the soul mate. We will read peacefully in bed together; we will look into each other’s eyes and find calm and peace; we will share endless conversations and laughter over the dinner table, and of course, we will have a great sex life.

260 days ago I found someone which I could call a soul mate, but very soon after I lost him. The reason we can’t be together is not of concern here, but the fact that I can’t get over him is.

I was bored, and now I am bored and sad.

I tried to do something about the failed relationship and my foul mood. I tried to exert control over the situation but I realised that the more I tried to do something about it, the worse my emotions got affected.

The truth in all struggles in life, most likely because one can’t let go. I was obsessed with why this was not working, and I couldn’t accept that’s just the way it is.

Being a high achiever, I am very used to being able to control things. I usually get what I want, and if I don’t get it, I will persist until it happens to the way I want it to be.

But relationship does not work like that. I have seen it in my parents. My mum wants my dad to behave in a certain way, and my dad never gives in, and then arguments and disappointments mounted. No one’s happy.

It was when I am facing the gigantic waterfall in Lake Bled, Slovenia, was I able to humble myself and accept the fact that there are more things I can’t control than I can. The false belief that I can one-handedly manipulate everything, does not make sense from the outset.

This is a journal series about me letting go and getting better. I am writing at day 10. I started a Christian-based mindfulness healing process 10 days ago, and I want to document it, and tell you all about it.

Let’s get better in our minds together.

Midori x